Today was a doubting day. Everything thing I did, I second guessed myself or the intentions of others. I know feelings like these are getting in the way of my relationships, but really there is only one person I care enough about that I will tame this natural flaw. (Aside from family, of course.)
I’m so insecure that when my boyfriend and I go a whole day with only one or two texts, and Doubt has a firm grim on my day, I immediately jump to the conclusion that he needs space from me and might be doubting us, needing distance from me. (Talk about projection!)
On the better days when I feel like I can conquer the world, the “silence” wouldn’t bother me, especially since he had checked in this morning. Logic and Security would tell me, “He cares so much that he wants to check in with you, even though you didn’t initiate it, and that’s plenty.”
We’re both busy and tired; he knows these past six or so weeks have been especially exhausting for me because I’ve been training for my coworker’s job while she takes a well-deserved and incredibly overdue week and a half vacation with her family. I’m happy to do this for her, of course, that’s what I’m there for. It doesn’t make it any less stressful, and he’s aware of this. On these days, I’m happy that we’re both secure enough to find a single text that day perfectly okay.
The longer I stay away from my ex and his family, the clearer my secure side becomes. Doubt is always there to play, but I feel like I’ve been scrubbing at a grubby, dirt-encrusted window to be able to see this aspect of myself again.
“You know I’m always going to be here,” Doubt lobs a big mud ball at my window as I scrape and scrape the crusties from it.
I can see through it now, though it’s still a little grimy. They're blurry but the features are becoming distinguishable.
Anyway, today was full of second guessing and it took writing this entry to realize that even though Doubt brought her A game today, I’m still making progress. I’m still healing and recovering, and that’s what counts.
I understand why this would drive people to a distance, because I don’t have much to offer while I go through this. Some people are great at projecting one feeling while something totally different is stewing or storming inside them. I’m not one of those people. What you see is what you get and chances are if you aren’t seeing something, you wouldn’t want to anyway. I focus my energy into surviving and healing on the inside, it doesn’t really leave room for a personable, bubbly woman. Sometimes I am, but most of the time I need to be focused.
I’m getting better at controlling the way I see myself and others. It was really hard at first, I’d had to give that up for my ex because it was one of few ways I could connect and communicate with him. It was a lot of sacrifice for little pay out, but it worked sometimes and at one point, I saw it as “progress”. What I didn’t realize was that it wasn’t progress so much as complete compromise of myself. He would have never done the same for me, because he was totally incapable of it. He’s not the only one, plenty of people are like that but it was literally killing my spirit. It wasn’t healthy for me.
I only saw this recently...as recently as I’m writing this because I’m now with someone who is willing to make sacrifices to keep me. Big ones. Unfair ones. And it threw me completely off, experiencing that from the receiving end. I’d always been the one to sacrifice, the only one to compromise and still come up short.
My ex always asked things of me that he would never have done if I’d been the one asking. Giving up my friends, and for his mom that also meant giving up my family, even though they wouldn’t accept me into theirs.
If you were to ask them, they would sing a different tune and they’d have perfect pitch, but that’s an experience for another time.
Point is, because my someone is treating me the same way I would treat him, I’m able to rediscover parts of myself that I thought were dead. Aspects that I never thought I’d see again.
Anyway, that’s where I stop, mostly because I’ll go off on another tangent about something I’m not quite ready to bring up yet.
Have a nice day/night wherever you are :)
~Heather
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