No Compliments, Please

No Compliments, Please

Today was a good day, a hundred shades different from yesterday.  No Doubt, just confidence in myself was all I had room for.  

I found out today that I don’t take compliments well.  Doesn’t mean I don’t like them, I just don’t know what to do with one when it’s handed to me.  

We have meetings on Tuesday mornings that last for about forty-five minutes.  The manager addresses us as a whole, then we break off into groups.  Receptionists and billing (that’s me), often convene together after the breakout, and then there’s optical, and the technicians who have their own meetings.  Today, during the first part where everyone is sitting in a big circle in the waiting room (doctors included), my boss complimented me on how well I’m doing without my co-biller there.  It’s the first time I’ve had the entire billing department, and its responsibilities, to myself and have had to balance the flow of money for the company, but apparently I’m doing it.  I AM doing it, but I kind of looked at the ground when she addressed me like that, like I’m not worthy of the recognition.  

It’s not true, I am worthy because I’m tearing it up over there.  It’s not perfect, but it’s way better than I had anticipated, and now I know the job much, much better and could easily do it again if I had to.

I’m not sure if it’s my humble upbringing that gave me the unease of accepting a compliment...but it was more than that really.  

Church has always taught me to be humble, but there is a difference between being humble and feeling humiliated.  It’s not anyone’s fault but my own, and my suspicion is that I got it from my ex.  He was always incredibly embarrassed whenever someone complimented him, always had to have a sarcastic comment about it, always had to tell me all of the reasons why he didn’t deserve it.  And I had to remind him of all the reasons why he did (they were there), but he always always countered my reason for one from his ever growing “this is why I don’t” list.  It was exhausting and depressing and part of that rubbed off on me.  I allowed it to. It’s part of the grime on the window that Doubt keeps slinging mud at.

Anyway, I did observe this about myself, but I didn’t let it get to me.  My mind noted it, and moved on, and I had an incredibly productive day.  I also took a flying leap of a chance with my boyfriend, because I felt I was mentally and emotionally in the right place to do so, and everything turned out great.  Doubt was there, but she was the tiniest of voices in my ear.  One that I could squash by the time I saw him this evening.  

Progress is great when you can see it, and a lot of times it’s there even if you can’t.  Perseverance, determination...these are all things my teachers taught me in elementary school.  Important things that I’ve forgotten and am on track to regain, and it feels great :).

~Heather